I need to get this off my chest

I want to talk about something really important. Maybe the most important thing I will ever talk about in this blog. I want to talk about my mental health.

I'm going to be straight up, I'm not in a good place. I'm struggling. It's all getting a little too much. I know I can get through it, the fog in my mind will have to clear up eventually I guess. I just need to stay focused on what's important in my life and not get distracted. I CANNOT lose that focus.

A friend quite recently said to me, "you have so much shit to deal with on a daily basis, you're allowed a wobble every now and then." Those words spoke volumes to me. Even after everything that they have been through in their own life, they still took their time to help me through a hard time I was having- which in hide-sight, was nothing compared to the trials and tribulations they have had to face. They took the time and effort to help me, when they didn't have to. They talked me out of giving up and I will forever be in their debt.

Okay I need to stop putting it off.
This is a hard topic for me to talk about. I don't know why, I just can't find the right words to say.

I just want the world to stand still. I want to get off the ride. I need to take some time to breathe.

LET ME BREATHE.

My mind is just a blob. I'm confused. I don't know how to express the feelings that I'm feeling.

The worst all started a year ago when I had a really bad thing happen to me. I don't want to say what, but it was the worst things that will probably ever happen to me and I will have the memory of that terrible ordeal for the rest of my life. I couldn't comprehend how someone could do that to me, I still can't. However, the last few months have been extremely difficult for me. I haven't been able to stay focused on the important things. Everything has become scrambled and I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I just want to feel okay again.

I don't really know how to describe how I'm feeling in words, expressing my emotions isn't a skill I'm good at! Most people around me don't even realise that I'm not the same person they think I am.  I put on this really bubbly act when inside I feel like the walls are caving in and everything is crumbling around me.

But it's okay that I feel this way. Everybody has good and bad days. Some days just turn in to weeks and sometimes those weeks turn in to months. I've tried to put on a brave face but the fake smile just isn't cutting it anymore! I need new tactics. Maybe one if them could be "CHILL THE F OUT!!!"
If you hadn't noticed I try and laugh as my owm missfourtunes because then nobody else can judge the way I personally deal with these tricky situations.

Anyway, life will hopefully get better soon. I have some good people around me who are supportive and understand. I try not to put too much strain on my parents, they've both got their own issues going on, never mind whatever's going on in my head!

But if any of you out there are having trouble, reach out. It could be to a teacher, a doctor, a family member or a friend. The ones who love you will always have your back.