Still looking for answers...

Yep, you read that right. It's been four years and I'm still no closer to knowing why I feel so rotten. The doctors don't know if it's the medication that I'm on, the fact that school is stressing me out or maybe I'm just that really annoying patient who gets all of the systems of a flare but there is NO medical evidence to prove that. I mean ZERO results have any trace of my inflammation levels being any higher than they should be. I've had an MRI, a Colonoscopy and and a Endoscopy as well as, what feels like a million and one blood tests- just to triple check that the lab hadn't missed anything.

I JUST WANT SOME BLOODY ANSWERS.

I want to know why I've been being sick four times a day even though I'm not eating enough to produce that much vomit. I want to know why when I'm not physically throwing up, it feels like I should be. I want to know why I need a nap for 24 hours of the day- everyday. And my main question is why do my body constantly to try and kill me? Like, I just want to eat chicken nuggets in peace without it feeling like I've been stabbed in the gut. Why chicken nuggets? Why couldn't my intestine not think broccoli was poison? 

I want to know my back feels like I've been piggy backing Jack Black all day. Like it flipping kills. It cracks everything I sit up straight and then gets stuck (that's VERY uncomfortable by the way!)

Don't get me wrong, I have an undying love for our NHS but I really just want someone to have a definitive answer for me. I know it's not their fault that my case is an absolute nightmare but wouldn't it be nice?

I am 100% aware that my situation is far from the worst case scenario, but over here in my own little pit of despair, it hurts. It feels like my life is being run by this disease and I don't want it to. I've had enough of being in the unknown about my own health. It's possibly the most annoying situation I've ever been in, and I grew up with an older brother! Yeah, this is even more annoying than him kicking my shins under the dinner table every night for three years. My level of annoyance has flown off the scale that my brother sits on!

It's nobody's fault that I've been put in this situation but at the moment, it feels like the world has a Vendetta against me. Why is this world making it so difficult for me to be able to do everything an eighteen year old should be able to do? I don’t have the energy at the end of the day to go out and party, I struggle keeping my eyes open for an entire day at school (and that’s only six hours- that’s a quarter of the day) I should be able to keep my eyes open for six hours! I want to be able to go on holiday with my friends and not have to worry about needing to go to the hospital and having to take all of my medications with me through customs- which is extremely hard to do with the amount of Codine that I get prescribed! Going out for a meal is even difficult if it’s to a restaurant that I have never been to before, not knowing if the food was going I have an explosive reaction in my intestine, making me really sick.  Basically, I’m a ninety year old lady, doing ninety year old lady things. I have two naps a day usually, I go to bed at 8 o’clcok, probably watched the majority of films on Netflix due to me not being able to get off the sofa and I drink tea all day. Some may think that sounds like I’m living the perfect life, trust me, it gets super boring.

I JUST WANT MY NON-INFECTED COLON BACK!!!

ANXIETY

So I suffer from anxiety. I don't know why it's taken me so long so admit it. I've just felt so ashamed for so long that I'd be judged or thought of as weak. It's possibly my biggest fear. I don't know how I would cope if people could see my walls crumble before me. Over the past four years, since the diagnosis of Crohn's, I've built some pretty strong walls in order for me to protect myself. I put on a brave face and get on with my day, if I don't have that brave face, what do I have to hide behind? I use it as my confidence, my coping mechanism for all the bull**** that the world has thrown my way over the years. And not going to lie, my fake smile is getting pretty fool proof, if I don't say so myself!

If I'm having a bad week I could have three or four a day attacks a day. What happens ranges from crying fits to shortage of breathe. My latest attack felt my body had shut down, I felt paralyzed. I didn't know what to do. I just froze. I mean, I can normally assume that they're going to happen but this last one, it just showed up, it really was an attack! I couldn't see it coming. I have no idea what bought it on, or how i managed to calm myself down afterwards but I somehow did. Normally, when i feel an attack coming I put my earphones in and take a walk, I remove myself from the situation that  made me anxious and calm down quite quickly but this particular attack didn't give me that option. I was an absolute mess. All I could see was a mass of blackness. I felt like I was trapped in a whole on my own with no way out. It all got a little too much and I guess my mind just cracked. I subconsciously gave up on myself and let the hurt slip through the cracks of that wall I had built.

Anxiety is a weird thing to have. It's actually really difficult to put in to words. I find it hard to explain simply because there are so many ways a panic attack can affect someone. Sometimes the attacks are visible, sometimes they are not. Sometimes the attack allows you to think of a way out, sometimes not. It's different for every person and every attack.

I wish I knew how to 100% control my panic and anxiousness but I can't at the moment. I can only assume when they are going to slowly creep up on me. It sucks, I know, but you have to remember all of the coping mechanisms that you have for yourself. Whether that be going for a walk or listening to a particular "calming down" Spotify playlist. As long as you are able to understand that these attacks are going to happen at points in your life, you'll learn to control your own panic.

As long as you are content with yourself and you know who you are, you'll get through this. You are NEVER alone.