ANXIETY

So I suffer from anxiety. I don't know why it's taken me so long so admit it. I've just felt so ashamed for so long that I'd be judged or thought of as weak. It's possibly my biggest fear. I don't know how I would cope if people could see my walls crumble before me. Over the past four years, since the diagnosis of Crohn's, I've built some pretty strong walls in order for me to protect myself. I put on a brave face and get on with my day, if I don't have that brave face, what do I have to hide behind? I use it as my confidence, my coping mechanism for all the bull**** that the world has thrown my way over the years. And not going to lie, my fake smile is getting pretty fool proof, if I don't say so myself!

If I'm having a bad week I could have three or four a day attacks a day. What happens ranges from crying fits to shortage of breathe. My latest attack felt my body had shut down, I felt paralyzed. I didn't know what to do. I just froze. I mean, I can normally assume that they're going to happen but this last one, it just showed up, it really was an attack! I couldn't see it coming. I have no idea what bought it on, or how i managed to calm myself down afterwards but I somehow did. Normally, when i feel an attack coming I put my earphones in and take a walk, I remove myself from the situation that  made me anxious and calm down quite quickly but this particular attack didn't give me that option. I was an absolute mess. All I could see was a mass of blackness. I felt like I was trapped in a whole on my own with no way out. It all got a little too much and I guess my mind just cracked. I subconsciously gave up on myself and let the hurt slip through the cracks of that wall I had built.

Anxiety is a weird thing to have. It's actually really difficult to put in to words. I find it hard to explain simply because there are so many ways a panic attack can affect someone. Sometimes the attacks are visible, sometimes they are not. Sometimes the attack allows you to think of a way out, sometimes not. It's different for every person and every attack.

I wish I knew how to 100% control my panic and anxiousness but I can't at the moment. I can only assume when they are going to slowly creep up on me. It sucks, I know, but you have to remember all of the coping mechanisms that you have for yourself. Whether that be going for a walk or listening to a particular "calming down" Spotify playlist. As long as you are able to understand that these attacks are going to happen at points in your life, you'll learn to control your own panic.

As long as you are content with yourself and you know who you are, you'll get through this. You are NEVER alone.